I was cooking a lovely Mexican feast for Eamonn and myself. Mango chicken flautas and Spanish rice to be exact. As I was cheerfully dicing jalapeños, my nose began to itch. Without thinking, I scratched it. In the process, a seed from the pepper made its way up my nose. The burning sensation started slowly, but I soon started to feel it in my throat and all through my sinuses. I ran upstairs to try to flush it out, but somehow the addition of water spread the fiery sensation to my eyes and the skin on every part of my face.
Now it's serious. I start screaming: EAMONN!!!!! AAAAAAAAH!!!!!! Obviously, he comes running because he thinks I'm dying - and I'm not about to correct him. I am dying. Someone has stolen my face and rubbed it into the sun. I can't see, my nose is dripping, I'm coughing, I'm crying, my whole face is on fire. It is the worst pain of my life.
Eamonn to the rescue. "Pour a shot of milk into each eye!" Fail. Now I'm on fire and have milk all over myself. "Let's try putting your whole face in it." Now I think he's just messing with me, but I'm pretty desperate at this point. I submerge my face in a bowl of 2%. The burning finally becomes less unbearable. I keep an ice pack strapped to my face for the rest of the evening, but eventually I recover and now have a lovely YouTube video as a memento of this adventure.
So the point is that I experienced the worst pain of my life and now I'm fine. I'm not suggesting that waterboarding or getting fingernails plucked off are less painful experiences than jalapeño up the nose, I'm merely suggesting that we can accomplish similar goals with minimal permanent damage! I would have told anyone anything if they could have made that pain go away - and jalapeños aren't even the hottest pepper! Imagine what we could do with ghost chiles! With clever culinary cruelty, we can get what we need from those terrorists without becoming the monsters we seek to destroy!